dream: drowning to death

Okay I haven't done a dream post in forever but I think this dream deserves one. This was kind of weird.

So I can't remember exactly where my dream started but the setting outside was really similar to my school/campus with like buildings and a lot of people walking by. I entered one building and it looked like the waiting area of Artona, the place where I took my graduation photos, and there were a lot of guys in suits and girls dressed formally. I didn't think much of this and I dismissed it because I just saw them as like business students or something. But then as I went to the back of the room and through a doorway, it lead me to this weird place with a bridge (the bridge had no walls on the side, just a long block to walk on single file. At the bottom was a pool, but it was quite a distance below. So I crossed the bridge, and there, there was a double wooden door which I also went through which lead outside. It led to the outside of a building at my school called the Irving K. Barber Learning Centre and we were at the side that kind of looks like a castle. Outside, I saw some familiar girls who were also headed in the same direction as me. As headed up the cement stairs to enter Irving, suddenly a crazy Asian man with very small eyes, bushy angry eyebrows, and a flushed red face with some scratches and bruising ran towards us from Irving, aiming for one girl in particular, recalling an incident that happened between the two that had to do with rape or something like that. He charged at her, and she ran back through the wooden doors and her two other friends tried to stop him. I too ran through the wooden door and as I was running along the bridge, I noticed that the bridge had two other bridges branching off of it in the middle headed in opposite directions. I was stupid and ran left, curious about where the bridge would go. I believe I slipped and fell into the pool. As I landed, I wasn't in my body anymore, and I was transported back outside to the place where I was in the very beginning. I remember I was wrapped in my duvet this time (as I always am at home lol) and I went back to the bridge area. I saw the blur of a body in the pool, so I dove in and swam down and I saw my dead body at the bottom. It was weird looking at myself like that. I tried to pull my dead self up to the surface, and went I touched the arm, it felt weird and rubbery and heavy and floppy, like that feeling where your arm is completely numb after  sleeping on it for a long time. When I got my body to the surface, I hoped that my dead self would start coughing up water and wake up, but I didn't. My body was motionless and still. I decided that it was too late, I was dead, and I let go, and my dead body slowly drifted back down to the bottom.

look at me like you care

I feel like I just haven't been posting enough!!!

Here is a pic while I was walking home today. PEEP MY DOCS. I can't believe I've had them since grade 10 yet I barely wear them. And I just realized that I haven't done any ootds in a long long long time. I've just been dressing so lazily and I swear I just wear the same things every day now which usually consist of a sweater, leggings, and docs or converse or vans. I just feel like they're not very photo worthy.

Anyway, this is the last week of classes!!! I'm so so happy because honestly uni is making me feel so anxious all the time. Honestly every time I go to the UBC Connect website and log on I just get this sick feeling in my stomach. I probably wouldn't feel this way had I been keeping up with everything in school but ugh. The sad thing is that with classes ending soon, that means finals are coming up!! I'm so so nervous, especially because I already did so bad on my midterms and finals are worth so much more so if I do bad, I will actually fail the course. My standards for my grades have dropped so low ever since entering uni. Throughout high school I had never ever gotten lower than a B. Now, I'm nearly failing all my classes. I'm mad at myself because I worked so hard to get here and now that I'm here I've fallen back into old habits and I've gotten so lazy to the point where I can't keep up with my studies and I've fallen so behind. I didn't realize that uni would be so tough but I really need to step up my game!!!

The only thing that makes me kind of happy to go to uni is this cute-ish guy who I see on the bus when I go to school almost every wed and fri. He dresses pretty nicely and we keep making eye contact and I've run into him downtown before too and on campus and idk. He's so short though lol but ANYWAY

Yesterday I went to the Central Library downtown to study for chem and I think I was sort of productively but at the same time I really need to manage my time a bit better. Like right now I should be working on my physics project but I'm not. And my English essay.

I swear, I'm surprised my hair hasn't turned gray from all this stress. I'm dreading the next 3 weeks so so so badly because that's when I have finals and I'm 100% sure that I am gonna break down and cry more than once. My chem final is in a little over a week (dec 5), my bio is a couple days after that (dec 7), my math is on dec 11, my english is on dec 12, and physics is dec 14. To be honest the one I am not looking forward to the most is physics because I honestly don't know anything. I feel so hopeless.

I think I'm gonna actually do some work now. I wish this stupid anxious scared feeling would go away though.

untitled #11

#nofilter because the sky was so pretty yesterday and the moon was cute too.

Now some not so cute news, on wednesday I had my last midterm which was chem and it went pretty badly. Literally all of my midterms during this second round of midterms went badly. The only result I got back so far is my physics which I failed. I'm pretty sure I failed all my other ones too. You know when you write an exam feeling okay going in and while you're writing it, you know nothing? That was me for basically all of my midterms. The worst part is my first midterms were pretty bad too because I didn't start studying as early as I should've, so I told myself that I would start studying earlier for the second midterms, and I didn't. I'm mad at myself because I should be working harder in school but instead I'm just so lazy and I never want to do anything. I mean I managed to get through high school with those study habits with a minimum B but clearly I can't do that anymore for uni. I'm also mad at the exams because all of them were so much longer and harder than the practice midterms and mock midterms they gave us. But mostly I'm just mad at myself. There are so many things I could be doing to improve, like actually doing all my homework and reviewing regularly and trying to understand and apply ALL the concepts but idk. Finals are coming up in the beginning of December so I guess maybe I should start studying now before I feel like shit again.

*chokes on a chill pill*

Summer throwback!!!!!! Oh how I miss the summer. I miss how hot the weather was, I miss wearing shorts everyday, I miss being skinnier (yea I think freshman 15 hit me), I miss being able to do whatever I wanted everyday, but most of all, I miss not having to worry about school and homework and studying for midterms every few weeks.

I'm so horrible at dealing with stress and I'm stupid because I make myself 194343435 more stressed than I could n should be because I can never do anything early and I leave everything until the last minute and I'm sleep deprived and I'm falling terribly behind in school.

WINTER BREAK COME FASTER JESUS