"don't be scared to be a bitch"

brandy melville bra, brandy melville knit tank top, garage denim shirt, tna leggings, calvin klein parka, marc jacobs bracelet, penny stock backpack, white converse shoes

I'm still in the search of a nice washroom on campus to take cute ootd pics!!! The struggle is so real guys ugh.

Anyway this is what I wore today (actually it's like 2 am so should I say yesterday??) and you can't really see in the pic but the knit tank is like knit so you can kinda see through it so I wore a cute white bra/bralette thing from Brandy Melville with it. I can't believe it's already been almost 2 months into uni. I still remember when it was the summer and I really didn't want to go to uni and everything and look at me now, hating uni. Haha I honestly feel like I should have a more open mind and maybe actually join something like clubs to make this uni experience more enjoyable but right now uni is making me miserable.

Also in my english class there's these two girls who keep staring at me and whispering??? And especially one of them, she always looks at me with this really smug look??? Like idgi if that's her neutral face then like err okay but I don't get why they keep looking at me. And it's not even like little glances, like they'll full on turn around and stare right at me. I've never done anything to them nor do I really even know them and I've barely talked to them ever (except when I actually had to for like a group discussion sort of thing which was once). Anyway yeah I don't have the balls to actually say something to them like "what r u looking at..... bitches" lol but I'm like screaming that in my head like CAN THEY NOT??? It's weirding me out. Yeah I just had to say this.

Midterms are fast approaching and I have developed horrible sleeping habits. Literally every night now I sleep from like 8pm-12am and then I'm up the rest of the night. It's not even like every once in a while it's EVERY NIGHT. I can't wait til to get this semester over with so I can finally relax. Uni is so so so stressful. It's like, you learn for a few weeks and suddenly you have midterms, you study your ass off, and you can't even relax because a few weeks later, you have more midterms, and then you can't even relax after that either because in a few weeks you have final exams. Idk how I'm gonna do this. And it's so bad because I'm such a procrastinator. Like right now I'm procrastinating just by writing this blog post because I don't wanna study. Like, one minute I'm watching math tutorial vids on youtube and suddenly I find myself watching the Dog Whisperer for an hour (that literally happened ok).

ANYWAY back to studying cyaaaaaaaa

P.S. I've been listening to this a lot recently

what am i doing

My arm ft. allergic reaction from antibiotics.

Okay to be honest I'm not sure if it's actually an allergic reaction from antibiotics but after consulting my doctor aka google, I'm just gonna assume that this is nothing to worry about. I mean it seems reasonable, since apparently this reaction usually occurs a week after you start taking the antibiotics and sure enough it did begin like on saturday/sunday which was a week after I started taking the antibiotics for my wisdom teeth extraction. It's not itchy or painful and it's not bumpy or raised or anything. It's just red and splotchy and looks kind of gross. And it's weirdly concentrated on the insides of my elbows. It's also like literally all over my chest and kind of on my stomach but I can see that it's starting to fade and go away.

It's currently 2 am and I have tons of homework and studying and I'm so stressed and idk why I'm typing this now but whatever. My second round of midterms are coming up (next week)!!! I'm so behind and I'm so scared. I already did pretty bad on the first midterms so I really need to do well (or at least significantly better). I have a physics midterm on monday that I'm absolutely fucked for, bio on wednesday that I'm also fucked for, math on thursday which I'm really really fucked for, and chemistry on wednesday next next week which out of all my exams I'm probably the most fucked for. CLEARLY IM FUCKED AND ITS ALL MY FAULT BC I HAVENT BEEN KEEPING UP. UGh I literally have no motivation to study or do homework and my attention span is like literally 2 min so basically I'm going down the road to failure and I'm probably gonna get kicked out of UBC if I don't get my shit together.

And I'm stressing so much over midterms when there are FINALS coming up in a little over a month. Well I'm dead.

I cannot wait til winter break so I can finally be stress free for a few weeks but for now I'm just gonna cry (jk but maybe not jk).

tynehead park field trip

Oh oh oh I was so busy talking about my wisdom teeth and whatnot during my last post that I didn't even mention my field trip or anything. Yeah so on the same day that I got my wisdom teeth removed (last saturday) I also went on a biology field trip and we went to Tynehead Park which is in Surrey and we planted trees!!! We learned a lot about the background about how the west side of the park is nice and everything but the east side is shit because of the way people were treating it decades ago and now we're trying to restore it. I gotta admit, at first it was kinda fun planting these trees because I've never planted trees before but then as a couple hours passed it got super tiring and I was just standing there poking my shovel at the dirt/manure and I didn't want to do anything anymore. Hahaha but I think I planted 5 trees??? Actually I should say 5 PLANTS not TREES because 2 of them were tiny shrubs hahaha. So there were some benefits came out of that day!! I contributed to restoring the park, I made new friends, and I (kinda) had fun. I think most of the time we were just laughing. Here are some pics!

Some trees (I think these are alders???) yeah they just look like sticks I guess bc the leaves fell off bc it's autumn

My first tree that I ever planted!!! I believe it's a sitka spruce ^_^

We needed to take pics of us with plants for the assignment afterwards so we took selfies hehe I hope this is acceptable idk if this was what my prof had in mind hahaha

Here's a bad pic of me plus a tree

bye (bottom) wisdom teeth

On saturday I got my bottom teeth wisdom teeth removed and now I literally look like a chipmunk/Glen Quagmire/a huge baby face. I got it done during the evening and it took about an hour and since I was only getting my bottom two removed, I got it done at my dentist. During the procedure the only things painful were the injections to numb my mouth (especially the second injection!!! probably bc I was expecting it or whatever) so yeah that didn't feel good especially since I have a huge fear of needles and I've never gotten an injection without freaking out and ending up dizzy/light-headed/shaky/passed out and this was no exception. After my dentist injected the numbing stuff, I had to sit there for a bit for the numbing to take full effect and during that time I got really shaky but then I drank some water and I was okay after that. During the procedure I was listening to music (I made a playlist hehe) with my eyes closed the entire time because I didn't want to see the blood (haha I'm such a pussy). It was weird because I could feel the pulling and I could hear him cracking the wisdom teeth to get them out but it was painless. Afterwards when I got home I took antibiotics and painkillers and surprisingly I didn't bleed very much. I think I only used up 3 of those pieces of gauze for each side and even then it was soaked more with saliva and stuff than blood. It was cool to not feel my lips and mouth and tongue and stuff and then I went to bed earlier at around 11:30 before the numbing wore off. I ended up waking up at around 1:30 and I guess by then the numbing wore off because my mouth was in pain!! sO I took some more painkillers and tried to go back to sleep but the painkillers took forever to work and I couldn't sleep because of the pain. But I ended up falling asleep I think before 3am. Then I woke up again at around 5:30 I think from the pain because apparently I'm supposed to take the painkillers every 4 hours only if it's painful bc my dentist said if I take too many it could make me pass out. So I took another and then I laid there until 6 and then I took my antibiotics (i'm supposed to take it every 8 hours). I spent most of yesterday sleeping. I went back to bed after that and slept until 11 or so and I got up and went on the computer for a bit and ate. Idk why but I had a headache and my body felt really weak/sore/tired like I was sick or something. I felt so shitty and on top of that, my cheeks had swollen up so much and I looked so ugh. So I went back to bed and slept until 4 or 5 and then I got up and ate some ice cream bc I was feeling shitty and then I had to do homework and whatever. so basically yesterday was pretty much shitty. Today I feel better, like I dont feel sick anymore but my cheeks feel tender and they're still really big. I keep getting this urge to bite on something??? That makes me sound like a teething baby lol but anyway I was actually hoping that I would still feel sick today so I didn't have to go to school, but since I felt better I had to go. I had never felt so self-conscious in my life when I was at school today. I wore a beanie today which I barely ever wear only because it kept my hair kinda against my face to cover my cheeks and I also tried to contour but it didnt really help. I honestly couldn't look at anyone in the eye and I was mostly looking down when I was walking around campus. I think that to the ppl I know, it just looks like there's something weird about my face, but to strangers I just look like someone w/ a really fat baby face. Anyway here are some horrendous pics xoxo

I suppose from an angle it doesn't look too too toooo bad but if you see my face straight on it's like hOLY shit

untitled #10

Idk why but my life has been feeling so ugh lately. So I finished all my midterms (finally!!) on thursday and basically since then I've just turned into a lazy shit. Last week I barely got any sleep (probably about 2-3 hours per night) and ever since midterms ended I feel like I just have no energy or anything. I know that I still have school but it feels like I just finished finals or something so now I'm like done. But I'm not. But I've literally been spending a lot of my time sleeping lately. I've been sleeping so early lately (for the past couple of nights I've been sleeping at like 10:30-11pm) and sleeping in late. Sleep is such a nice escape.

I used to think work was alright because of the people there but now I'm starting to hate it more and more. I feel like no one talks to me at work anymore. It's like I have to start talking to them first. It's like I'm just there and then I leave. Honestly, it just feels like since there are newer people at work now and since I've been working there for over 2 months now that they just care about the new people and talk to them now. And I know that makes me sound so jealous or attention-seeking or whatever but that's how I feel. I sound so dumb. I have homework to do but I really don't feel like doing it. Maybe I'll just crawl back in bed.

take care

Hey y'all

Wow ok I literally haven't had time to post anything for like half a month and I didn't mean to just like disappear from this blog for so long but yeah. I actually typed this out a couple weeks back but I never finished it and so here it is and idk maybe this post will be long?? Well this will pretty much be a huge summary/catch up post of what I've been up to (which really hasn't been much besides school) and etc etc so here goes I guess.

School and work and everything has been consuming my life and I hate my life right now and I don't even know where to begin with this post. I can't believe I'm already a month into uni. Time flies when you basically have no time to do anything. I'm in the middle of midterms right now (my first round of midterms that is, since I have another round of them in november oh joy). I had one last tuesday (physics) and this week I have 3 - on oct 8, 9, and 10 (chem, bio and math). I've barely studied and I'm regretting it as I've realized how behind I am for chem and I really don't know much and I don't even want to study for chem because I hate it so much. I'm kind of panicking since I have 3 midterms in a row (I mean like by day) so I'm fucked. I really need to get my shit together. I just don't have the energy or care to do my pre-reading and I just rush through my homework and I haven't been keeping up. I have no motivation because I don't even know why I'm here and why I'm even studying science. I keep asking myself if I really even like science because right now I have no passion in it and I have no future career plans or goals. I feel like everyone in uni is so set on getting their degree and they all know what they want to major in (since we have to declare our majors in 2nd year) and now I'm even questioning if I will make it into 2nd year and I really want to because I don't want to be kicked out of UBC and my parents will prob disown me but idk what I'm doing with my life. I wish I could just take a term off and travel but my parents would never in hell allow me to do this and I feel like that's just me being lazy and not wanting to study or worry about school. And I swear I'm trying to kill myself or something because I'm also working too and so I barely have any free time especially on weekends. Speaking of my job, my friend (who got me the job) quit and her last shift was exactly a week ago. She also goes to school with me and she's also in science and she feels like she can't handle school and work together and to be honest I've been thinking about quitting for a while too. But the thing is, I don't mind work. In fact, it's weird for me to say this, but I actually like work only because of the people there. My coworkers are all pretty chill and easy to talk to and a lot of customers are really nice and have small talk with you and despite only working there for less than 2 months I already have a couple regular customers (one is a guy with 2 daughters and he seems like a really cool dad and the other is this woman who used to work at Safeway a while ago and when I was really new she told me the PLUs so I didn't have to look each one up lol). I mean it's not that bad of a place at all to work at (despite the ugly uniform haha) and sometimes you get some cute customers hehehe and then sometimes you get customers from high school and it's like omfg go away dont look at me in this uniform. But anyway I just went way off topic from the topic of uni and ok idk.

Oh yeah so a couple weeks ago I finally got my grad ceremony photos (they were taken on stage) and scholarships and diploma and whatever in the mail!!! Finally. Basically I have one with the principal and idk why but they gave me 3 copies of the one of the scholarship people. Idk man but I got $500 for that scholarship and then I got another $500 for my Passport to Education thing which is a scholarship awarded to the top I can't remember what percent of the grade. I want to say 20%? But I'm not sure if it has changed or not. But regardless the first scholarship I mentioned, I can use it for anything so I'm planning to use it towards getting myself my own Macbook (I'm thinking an Air right now but I'm not entirely sure) since I've been using my sister's and she hates me using it haha oh well. I swear there's more photos of me on her Photobooth than there are of her but whatever a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do ya feel???

Wow my face is so chubs

Oh and an update on my health!!! So I believe I mentioned in my previous post before I mysteriously disappeared from this blog that I have a fucked up period and that I got a blood test which showed that I had increased testosterone levels so I got sent to get an ultrasound. Okay so I got the ultrasound done and I knew something was clearly wrong when the lady kept going over an area and asking if I ever experience pain on the left side of my pelvis...... lol but yeah the answer is I don't ever get pain there (or at least I don't think I do??) and yeah. So she said that the results will be sent to my doctor within a couple of days. So a few days passed and I got a call from my doctor and obviously something is wrong because only ever call you in to look at the results if something was wrong. So I booked an appointment with my doctor a couple days after that and she said that there is a mass in my ovary that is (from what I remember) 4cm in diameter. She said that it is most likely a dermoid cyst but very very rarely it may be cancerous, but you cannot tell from an ultrasound. So I originally had an appointment booked with the endocrinologist about my blood work however she said it is pointless to go to him now so she cancelled my appointment with him (since he is also at the same clinic). She said I now have to go see a gynaecologist (I keep forgetting what its called so I literally keep referring it as a vagina doctor) and get a CT scan done so they can see more clearly what the thing in my ovary is. So said that I probably will have to get surgery done to remove it but it will be done through minimally invasive surgery (aka laparoscopic surgery). But first I need to book an appointment with the gynaecologist so she sent something to some other clinic and said she marked it as 'urgent' and that they will call me hopefully within a few days but if they still don't call in a week that I should call back my doctor. So it's been a week and a half now and I still haven't gotten a call from the other clinic and I even called my family doctor after a week and they said that they haven't gotten to it yet. I'M SORRY I THOUGHT THIS WAS URGENT???? Okay but anyway that's about it for now and if anything else happens or if the clinic FINALLY CALLS ME BACK idk I'll update.

*****WOW ok btw I know I talk about my life in so much detail (well certain aspects of my life) like that paragraph up there about my health but honestly I'm not posting it for anyone but myself. I dont really care if you read it, like if you do then okay thanks for being interested in what's going on in my life and thanks for taking the time to care about me but in all honesty this entire blog of mine is for myself to look back on when I'm older or idk maybe if one day I lose my memory or something or I just forget about my youth??? I don't know but I have this horrible fear that I'm going to lose my memory and it just comforts me to keep a journal like this for myself and I think it's safer to just have it written down in hardcopy like in a notebook but I cannot write for long periods of time or else my writing looks horrible and when my writing looks horrible I lose hope and don't want to write anymore. Is anyone else like that??? But yeah plus on a blogging site like this I can actually put pictures and stuff with the posts and I can easily write long long long posts and also edit my posts and stick stuff into the beginning or middle or whatever whenever I feel like it. I don't know if I make sense right now because I feel like I don't. It's okay though.

CONTINUING ON a lot of my makeup and skincare products recently decided to all run out at the same time. Those include:

• boscia clear complexion toner
• clarins pure melt cleansing gel
• estee lauder double wear foundation
• physicians formula eyeliner
• benefit's porefessional
• physician's formula bronzer (it was shitty and old tho idk why I kept using it)
• I feel like there was more but maybe this is just it???
• BUT THEN AGAIN THESE ARE ALL PRETTY ESSENTIAL TO MY MAKEUP AND SKINCARE ROUTINE LIKE I RAN OUT OF FOUNDATION GUYS FOUNDATION DO U KNOW HOW DETRIMENTAL THAT IS

So on friday I went downtown and I went to Sephora and bought bottle Estee Lauder DW foundation ($44). I'm about a shade NC25 but I may be slightly in between that and NC30? not sure. But I bought the foundation in the shade 2w1 (dawn) again. I think this is definitely my HG foundation (or I just haven't found anything better haha). But honestly if you have oily skin and acne/acne scars you need to try this foundation!! It comes in so many shades and the coverage is pretty good, I would say it's medium coverage (maybe medium to full...). It dries pretty fast though so it isn't one of those foundations that you can dot around your face and then blend. I normally just put some on the back of my hand and then apply it with a brush on certain areas of my face at a time. The only downside to this is the packaging - it has no pump so it gets a bit messy. I have a MAC pump and it fits onto the bottle so I just use that and it's much easier and less messy. Okay that kind of just turned into a bit of a review there haha. I also bought another tube of Benefit's Porefessional which is a balm (I think that's what they called it) and you use it under your foundation (the package says you can use it over but I've never tried) and it minimizes the appearance of pores and lines and it makes your skin feel velvety smooth so your foundation looks much better. I also bought Kat Von D's tattoo liner in trooper because I read so many great reviews about it, on how it's one pen lasts you so long, it's precise and pigmented, and it lasts on oily eyelids. But on the other hand I've also some reviews on how it dried out really fast and that people had high hopes but were disappointed. WELL I'll see how it goes and if I really don't like it I guess I can return it because from my experience Sephora is very lenient with returns. Afterwards I went to London Drugs and got the Rimmel Natural Bronzer in sun light but after purchasing it I read some reviews and realized that sun light is more for fairer skin tones or if you want just a bit of a bronze glow. My intention was to buy it for contouring so my sister bought it off of me because she just wanted something to give her face some dimension since she also uses a pretty medium to full coverage foundation which leaves your face looking pretty flat (if that's the right word for it) and one-coloured. So yeah. I'm going to go again and hopefully get it in sun bronze instead because I heard that ones better for contouring for medium skin tones. I also bought another Dove ClearTone deodorant but I dont feel like it's necessary to talk about it bc its just deodorant you know haha. Then I went to Oakridge and I went to Murale because I had to return a Porefessional that I bought there (it was really runny and liquidy and horrible,  I think it may have been an old tube? idk) and I exchanged it for a Clarin's Pure Melt Cleansing Gel. I use this cleansing gel for the first part of my double-cleansing skincare routine. I use it to remove my face makeup because I feel like it really does get my makeup off, and then afterwards I cleanse again with Biore's Blemish Fighting Ice Cleanser. When I first started using this cleanser, my face literally began clearing up within a couple of weeks!! I was so happy about that. I could actually feel the difference in my skin. Like, when I applied my moisturizer everyday I could feel that my skin just felt so much smoother. And I didn't have to use a Biore pore strip for weeks (my nose pores tend to clog easily) so I could tell it was really working. But now I'm so stressed and I've been lazy about cleaning my makeup brushes as frequently as I should and so my skin got a bit worse, but I think it's in a better state than before I began using that cleanser.

There's not really much else for me to talk about I think.. I mean my life has been pretty uneventful lately and it's just been mostly school and I don't really have time to do anything. But yeah it's 5am so I should get back to work!!! Bye bbs

P.S. here are some pics idk man I feel like I just need more pics in this post

My friend Madalene n I are super cool clearly

Dat UBC sweater guyssssssss

I'm sorry idk the source for this but THIS IS LITERALLY ME EVERYDAY NOW IM SO DONE